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take heart, sweetheart, or i will take it from you.

Recent Entries

8/7/09 01:18 pm - asking for it.

it's like the worst still from a horror film. you vomit blood all over my tshirt and im looking around for more. this catastrophe of mirror images and typical one-liners is breaking itself against me, destroying itself against me, repeating itself against me until i start to take notice. sometimes i wish i hadn't offered up my body for the sacrifice, but im so far removed from my skin and bones, it's like it's not even happening to me anymore. i live each day in a pale hell, beaten in the face with everything i should have meant to you. im losing my footing, im not sure how much more i can take. but, oh, make no mistakes. i opened up my door and welcomed this inside.

7/26/09 06:40 pm - daisy chains.

and even though i've showered i can still smell you on my skin. broken blood vessels decorate my neck like daisy chains, i notice them when im staring at my skin so hard i can see every bone and line through it. you were a gambler, sober and foreign. clumsy knees between knees on a barstool, liquor and numbers falling out of our mouths. you kissed me under the spinning wheels of roulette tables, kissed me in somebody else's bed until me, i was spinning. you traced my ink and i traced yours, your mouth falling over and under words and my body. but it's all in pieces now and i like it this way. soft around the edges and blurred out, spreading through my memory like blood through burst capillaries.

7/24/09 10:47 pm - rob me blind.

biting my fingernails down to my skin, my mouth tastes like cigarettes and red wine.
hope against hope, and it all comes down to this. my aching bones just wanting to lay down beside a friendly body.
if you want me to tell you the truth i will tell no lies: i cheated you, right after you broke my heart. but i was unfaithful long before you ever thought i could be. and god, it would kill you to know the extent of my betrayal. i am so good at keeping secrets. the boy in the city, i wanted him to be a lover, not even a friend. but i kept my secrets and i keep being lonely. somehow somehow im being asked by others i could never would never and it almost makes me want to throw my hands up and just lay down for them. lay down and close my eyes and hope that they eventually just grind me to dust beneath their hips. i dont want to feel anything anymore. nothing. i want to be the mortar, you the pestle. just take me for everything i got, just rob me blind. i dont want to feel anything anymore.

7/20/09 11:21 pm - heavy metal

there is a monster on my shoulders it is burying itself under my lungs pulling teeth and eyelashes to make a pile of me. i dont exist within these walls within these blood cells. i am resolute to the point where im tasting blood, to the point where my body is solidifying into something made out of heavy metal and rusted bolts. i am fucking breaking.
i just want an out, just want something to beat this out of my body.

7/15/09 07:01 pm - babyface.

i dont sleep at night anymore, i just stay up in my single bed, listen to my sister breathe and count the seconds between the end and now. this babyface is in shambles. walking around like i dont have my jaw ripped from my skull, like i dont have every single fucking minute of my life without you beating me in the face with each step. i swing between irrationally angry and being so sad i just want to tear my eyelashes out, cut my hair against my skull like my literary hero. i want to paint up my face and go out to catch you all like flies against my body, i want to feel the crush of someone loving me because right now im so empty and terrified that i dont even show up in a mirror anymore.

7/8/09 09:00 pm - mother.

i get home on a sunday night &
pull out my hair extensions one by one
like im just done disguising myself
like i dont want anything between me
& her fingers on my hair.

7/2/09 12:50 pm - swallow.

isn't it funny,
just how much we can grit our teeth against.

admirable really,
the weight of what we can swallow.

6/25/09 11:50 pm - blue-eyed stain.

im on my knees begging with a closed mouth. begging, risking life and limb without stepping a foot near any kind of edge. offering sacrifices with silences. my body, my heart. oh, just take it all. in the end, im fooling everyone. even me. even the blue-eyed stain in the mirror is a fool for my clever tricks. im like springtime, blooming promises from my mouth like so many roses. petals like fingers in the back of my throat. im a pretty picture but an ugly reality. my tiny stopped up heart turned into dirt so long ago i need to stop pretending like i can love. i have only one cactus in my desert, only one in the arid landscape inside me. she is the only one i can love. so i love her until we share the same blood. but after her, there is no more. i've wanted to believe that i get better, but as it turns out, my insides cannot be saved. so throw me to the dogs, what point is there now?

6/24/09 05:10 pm - peach.

i wake up remembering that crooked house we used to call home. buried at the end of a street. i took an aerosol can and sprayed every wall of my dollhouse, cleaning until my eyes ran with the smell. and you stood in front of me, saying easy girl. your lungs aren't made to breathe this in. so i laid down on the peach of your sheets, i remember thinking i was afraid to go to sleep. i remember being so scared that i just wasn't going to wake up. that i had breathed in too much of that tin can to ever breathe right again. but when i put my head under your covers, i wasn't so scared anymore. i wake up, twenty five years old and i still miss having you to hide behind. i wake up remembering crooked houses and aerosol cans and all it makes me think about is all the ways you're now going to hide behind us. and we will batten down our hatches, we will weather any storm. all for you, my mother. because we just can't let anything get past us, we wont let anything in that keeps you from surviving your sleep.

6/23/09 05:39 pm - scratching.

here i am falling down from the rafters.
i have my life measured out for me, in scans and therapies and methodical burns. these are the seconds and the minutes of my clock: the ways she's getting busy fighting death.
my life started in her arms and i dont want hers to end in mine.
my breath is scratching at my lungs and im scratching roses and padlocks onto scrap paper, wanting them scratched into my side. wanting them inked under the skin that's half hers so that something of her is on my outsides, so that something of her is forever.
im not smoking anymore and its making me grit my teeth. i want to breathe in marlboro until my lungs are ash. i want to pickle myself in vodka martinis and tequila chasers. i want to walk up to every man in a bar and make them see god. just so i can feel again.
everyone i've spoken too lately says i sound quiet. they say i sound incomplete, like an unfinished sentence,

and i dont know how to pick it up, because what if when i fill my hands again, there is only space where she once was?
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