6/18/09 10:57 pm - again.
we spent the morning trading lines, and it just made my chest open into a dull ache. no comfort in your quiet words, just razorblades that hang themselves off my wrists. just weights and boxes and polaroids, shoved between my ribs. i dont want to go to sleep alone anymore. the last time this happened, i had your back to put my face into. i had your hands. i had you. and now it's the second time around and im having to breathe all on my own. im so scared. i just wanna call you and tell you, im so scared. i dont want her to die. i dont want to know what happens without her. i dont want to see her hair fall out and her eyes go blank and her body get burnt again. i dont want to have this, this and a hard wall. nothing to bury myself in but the reality of this, and the bitterness of being lonely.
i've been holding myself together. barely, but holding myself together nonetheless. but now my houseguest is gone, i have no-one to pretend for. and it's here, well before midnight on a thursday, that i break down.
i dont want to have to be strong enough for this.