im on my knees begging with a closed mouth. begging, risking life and limb without stepping a foot near any kind of edge. offering sacrifices with silences. my body, my heart. oh, just take it all. in the end, im fooling everyone. even me. even the blue-eyed stain in the mirror is a fool for my clever tricks. im like springtime, blooming promises from my mouth like so many roses. petals like fingers in the back of my throat. im a pretty picture but an ugly reality. my tiny stopped up heart turned into dirt so long ago i need to stop pretending like i can love. i have only one cactus in my desert, only one in the arid landscape inside me. she is the only one i can love. so i love her until we share the same blood. but after her, there is no more. i've wanted to believe that i get better, but as it turns out, my insides cannot be saved. so throw me to the dogs, what point is there now?